Monday, December 6, 2010

Tradition, ah feh!

Ah ha! Some of the ah, family tradition on this.

First que the music for the Ten Commandments, yes Charlton Heston... Nah thats not
it. We need Tevye, Yes, that works!

Now with no excess of flourish..

The adult male is foremost as it is his role to gather "The Tree", but since Christians are known to borrow on Hebrew tradition the first being guilt. For example we hear from the Missus, Frank, when are we going for "The Tree". Typical response is after the game. Wrong! Frank will be introduced to the proper answer, Now Frank, if you ever want sex again! Now with three kids it's likely that is more than an idle threat and way to close to fact. With that resolved Frank, the Missus, and the kinder, all three of the darling stair steps, are captured and swaddled in their best winter gear against the 42 degree cold. Where upon they trundle down the road in the family van to "The Tree" farm. Now note the kinder are far from old enough to be loose and there are all manner of sharp implements about so Frank opts for the precut tree. So off to the racks to the mob doth waddle. Now the Missus is not loath to notify every one to stay together (for disassembly is possible with all those cool sharps) and search for "The Tree" Which by all accounts exists and will be perfect. Now we take a moment to consider that trees grow mostly wild and tend to have varying genetics and many will suffer less than stellar upbringing due to crowding and, oh yes, the weather. Now back to the great tree hunt. Trees will be stood upright and viewed with an eye, usually less than expert but the attempt is to look that way to the farmer. this will progress for about 20 minutes where upon one of the kinder, even bet it's the youngest, will exclaim, MOMMY IN NEED TO PEE, ugh, loudly. After assurances it's not a matter of extreme immediacy the very tree will be deemed "The Tree" without observing the truck has a severe case of scoliosis of the trunk. It will be thumped and if most of the needles remain it is claimed and paid for. Often the farmers crew will do the honors of lashing it to the van as in prior years, when the new owners of "The Tree" were left to their own, accidents, police reports and depositions ensued.

Once home the kinder that needed to pee will inform the keepers too late. The winter swaddling will be shed. some on the floor, couch, beds, kitchen chair, and likely some back at the farm. This leads to Frank having to rassle with "The Tree" which as fewer needles now due to a blistering trip home on the highway at a mere 80 miles per hour, down off the van, alone. Bringing it in the house usually works like this, Frank your getting needles all over, yes dear. Where "The Tree" stand Is rescued from hiding, dusted off, and convinced to hold properly straight "The Tree", remember it was the one with really bad scoliosis. That process usually involves about 45 dollars of quarters in the family cuss jar, one of the kinder saying I'm telling mommy, one cut finger, tools that Frank the accountant never uses, and a pledge this is the last time and next year will be artificial.

Decorating "The Tree" will be reserved for, oh no!

Hope all your holidays are happy and joyous!